Addiction, Muscle Atrophy & Fat Bulges (on top of the fat bulges I was already OK with)

Published Jan. 29, 2010 at 6:41 p.m.
The other day I was just asking myself why I have been feeling content running only once a week, when just several months ago I was driven to run every day. And then after my 1st scrimmage practice back it hit me: I was driven to run out of sheer shame for how slow I naturally am on skates. Fuck.

Okay, okay, that’s not really the truth. I know I feel better when I exercise regularly and it’s THAT feeling that drives me to run every day, but shit, right now I’m just beginning to transition back into an active lifestyle, and I have to tell you: it’s hard. I’ve gained 15 pounds since September, my muscle mass has been replaced by an extra layer of laziness (aka, my fat rolls have fat rolls), and when scrimmaging the other day I felt as if I was skating through mud. I couldn’t physically make my body move laterally the way I expected it to – the way I’m used to my body following my brain. I was like, “OK, I need to be there”, and by the time I was mid-movement, the small window of opportunity for my being there to do something was already over. And, I was sucking wind.

I suppose the good news is that I know it can get better. I look back over my participation in sports as a kid and I really think that I never broke through either level where you get a second wind, because I just never pushed hard enough. For one, I would bitch and complain until my coach let me stop whatever was tiring me, so I never got that single athletic session second wind. At least in part because of that, I was never able to get the type of second wind you get over time either – the one where you actually kick your own athleticism up a notch. Then came derby and I broke my own barriers. And now I’ve let myself fall to shit. At least a little bit.

The problem right now is that I’m stuck in this transition from one drug to another. “Drug?” you say. Yes, drug. I firmly believe I have addiction issues – pussy ones – but issues nonetheless. When I injured myself and stopped skating and then got depressed about my dog and my not skating, I substituted food for exercise. Both cause a similar chemical reaction with serotonin in my brain. Both give me an immediate reward. Both drive me to keep using them to get that serotonin surge. And because my dog is ill and I feel guilty for leaving my house, it has been WAY easier to choose food than exercise for the last 4 months. The bad news is that excess food consumption that drives my serotonin habit also supplies fat rolls to my fat rolls, while excess exercise that drives my serotonin habit makes food a lot less attractive to me, because I already have my fix. Problem is, I’ve made a habit now of getting my fix from food, and it’s really hard to pull myself away from that. Regardless, I know it can be done. It just sucks royal donkey dick. Make that two royal donkey dicks.

Getting back to practice is a motivator for me to exercise more, and I’m doing both (going to practice and exercising more), but it feels like a long, slow journey, when I really want it to happen like I want everything else to happen: now. Well, fuck me, the world doesn’t work that way? Sorry, sometimes I forget iPads aren’t available to stop all my hemorrhaging wants in life. I need some zen in a big bad way, people. Some motherfucking zen.

At this point, I need to just shut my mouth and take some old advice I’ve given many times on here: just do it. Less talk, more action. I can do it. I will do it. Stay tuned.

In other news, the city of Baltimore has officially named tomorrow Charm City Roller Girls Day! This is in no small part due to an avid derby fan (and CCRG superfan) who just so happens to work for the mayor. Thanks to him, we’ll be receiving an official citation from the city at tomorrow night’s bout. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a “day” named after me before. It makes me want to break all sorts of rules and then stick my tongue out at the rule enforcers and taunt “But it’s Charm City Roller Girls Day, so I can do whatever I want!!!”. Although I envision myself jumping off the hood of a car with cans of spray paint in my hands and a road of mass destruction behind me as I say that, I’ll probably wake up and have a pretty normal day tomorrow. Something like this does put things in perspective though. Don’t sweat the small shit (which I do all too much). Enjoy the victories.

Happy Charm City Roller Girls Day!!!


Back | Read more at Big Derby Girls Don't Cry